Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
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a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them