I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?