I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*