[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
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Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Choose your fighter
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Who says great literature is dead?
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.