Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
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Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino