My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Best table by far
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
If I could sing like Janis Joplin I’d be able to sing my children a lullaby before bed and yell at them to go to bed at the same time.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.