Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
You Might Also Like
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Lmao
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I have never related to anyone more.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Mhm.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.