My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
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i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
This a good idea
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.