Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.