Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
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i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Saturday
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”