-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
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Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed