If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
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Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.