I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
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To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.