“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
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At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES