[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
You Might Also Like
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
それは草
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft