Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
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You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.