I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.