Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
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A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”