I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
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When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Denise please return my vape pen
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.