I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always