ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
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If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me