[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
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Woke up with morning Yule Log
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year