A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
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[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
finally found a reasonable question
Autocorrect completely socks
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
i wish we could shoplift online
Big Sex has us all fooled
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot