[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
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Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
“You’d better run, egg!”
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks