God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
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Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?