[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
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I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
when u come home smelling like another dog
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.