You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy