At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.