I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
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When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
So we got a goldfish…
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*