i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.