her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
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Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.