If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
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The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.