Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
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I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Kids, do not try this at home!
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The Person Who Discovered Sharks