My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
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A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit