Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”