[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
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I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What