Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
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“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
She puts the hot in psychotic
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad