Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
You Might Also Like
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.