A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
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i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.