Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
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[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.