My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
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[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Favourite diary entry ever
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”