I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
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Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?