me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
You Might Also Like
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.