they really do be looking like this
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Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.