Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
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ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Time for evil
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.