Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Happens to everyone.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me