Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
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Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
sleeping beauty
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.