2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
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For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My neck, my back, my…
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian