[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
oh you like architecture? name three walls
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.