Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
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hmmm
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no